In every single update I do for this poor-slash-abandoned-slash-almost-forgotten-blog, the hardest part always (and forever will be, I guess) is how you start it. Arghhh. So how will I start this thing?
Okay, since I have no idea really, let me start it the- Meredith-Grey’s-way: I’m screwed.
So for a quick glimpse of the past… Let me see… It was November of last year since my very last decent post. Haha. Gawd, that was quite a long time! How sad is that huh? So what took me this so long? Well, I have many reasons in mind but I’m not really sure what among all those reasons is the most reasonable. Hahaha. I’m not explaining myself to you guys. I mean what’s the point in doing that right? Don’t mind me, I’m just talking to myself okay? I self-talk a lot, you know. So here’s the point: up to now, I’m still trying to figure things out to myself.
Maybe I was lost again and didn’t know the way back like some castaway. Maybe I was hiding from something or someone. Yes, I guess that’s pretty much it. Hiding from something I’m not ready to face yet─ scared to say or even think what it really is. Refreshing the memories of my Psych 101, my all-time favorite subject, right now I’m using the two of my most frequently used defense mechanism: denial (blocking out or disowning painful thoughts and feelings) and repression (an involuntary, automatic submerging of painful, unpleasant thoughts and feelings into the unconscious). *With matching definitions pa. Oh well. Haha*
Maybe I was fooling myself all this time that everything will be alright and everything will eventually fall into its places when I come back into reality and finally awaken from a very long sleep.
Yes, I was asleep. I couldn’t really say that it was like a journey because it’s not as positive as it may sound. Why? Because all this time that I was in neverland (haha) I felt that my life is wasted and miserable. Everything turning into pieces, everything is… screwed up. I lost my self-esteem. I lost my trust in myself. I lost my faith in what I can do. I lost my passion in doing the things I love like writing. I feel so irresponsible. I’m not being productive as a member of our organization. I feel so worthless. It’s like I’ve lost everything that I’ve worked hard for: the respect of other people and most especially, my self-respect. And to sum it up? I’M SCREWED. Do you have any idea how this feels when you put these altogether? It’s horrible, I tell you.
So yeah, where will I start my life? And where will I end this post by the way?
Screw it, I have no idea. Right now all I can say is this: life goes on. Nada.
Jeez, that was a pretty messed-up start.
Okay, since I have no idea really, let me start it the- Meredith-Grey’s-way: I’m screwed.
So for a quick glimpse of the past… Let me see… It was November of last year since my very last decent post. Haha. Gawd, that was quite a long time! How sad is that huh? So what took me this so long? Well, I have many reasons in mind but I’m not really sure what among all those reasons is the most reasonable. Hahaha. I’m not explaining myself to you guys. I mean what’s the point in doing that right? Don’t mind me, I’m just talking to myself okay? I self-talk a lot, you know. So here’s the point: up to now, I’m still trying to figure things out to myself.
Maybe I was lost again and didn’t know the way back like some castaway. Maybe I was hiding from something or someone. Yes, I guess that’s pretty much it. Hiding from something I’m not ready to face yet─ scared to say or even think what it really is. Refreshing the memories of my Psych 101, my all-time favorite subject, right now I’m using the two of my most frequently used defense mechanism: denial (blocking out or disowning painful thoughts and feelings) and repression (an involuntary, automatic submerging of painful, unpleasant thoughts and feelings into the unconscious). *With matching definitions pa. Oh well. Haha*
Maybe I was fooling myself all this time that everything will be alright and everything will eventually fall into its places when I come back into reality and finally awaken from a very long sleep.
Yes, I was asleep. I couldn’t really say that it was like a journey because it’s not as positive as it may sound. Why? Because all this time that I was in neverland (haha) I felt that my life is wasted and miserable. Everything turning into pieces, everything is… screwed up. I lost my self-esteem. I lost my trust in myself. I lost my faith in what I can do. I lost my passion in doing the things I love like writing. I feel so irresponsible. I’m not being productive as a member of our organization. I feel so worthless. It’s like I’ve lost everything that I’ve worked hard for: the respect of other people and most especially, my self-respect. And to sum it up? I’M SCREWED. Do you have any idea how this feels when you put these altogether? It’s horrible, I tell you.
So yeah, where will I start my life? And where will I end this post by the way?
Screw it, I have no idea. Right now all I can say is this: life goes on. Nada.
Jeez, that was a pretty messed-up start.
5 comments:
ahhh we seem to have the same problem when it comes to starting an entry haha.
im glad your back though.
missed you xx
hey krisha! thanks =) i've heard (or read rather) that you're here in Philippines! that's great!
I miss entries like this, Apple. I am glad that you finally blogged again. I knew there was something wrong right from the start you stopped making entries.
I've been to a situation like that, yknow. I was so messed up, I didn't know what to do or if there was something else that I could do to (somehow) fixed my life them. And like you, i was in denial and somehow refused to face the problems be just be 'happy' self instead.
Sobrang haba na ata ng reply ko. Haha. Pero what I want to tell you is that it will be okay when time comes. I just hope na you find the courage, strenght to start all over again! :) mwah!
Aww Ishna! Thank you so much for that! yes you were right, a lot of things has been going on with me and i can't really tell anyone because i'm so ashamed of it or i'm afraid to be judged. i don't even want to think about it because it makes me feel so horrible and miserable. but hopefully now, i will be able to face them, to pick up the pieces and eventually move on with my life :)
qpps im not there anymore. :(
I left on april 25, miss it badly.. and about your entry. it doesnt matter what you did, as long as you've learnt from it.
dont be ashamed, but be proud that youve overcome it
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